Do You Understand?
by ImBoldlyGoing
Summary: Beginning of STID. Jim is fired for revealing the Enterprise while saving Spock and is tolda that he will . He goes back to Iowa and makes a quaint life for himself but one day Starfleet comes back for him. Will he go back or live his life in Iowa? Spock/Kirk. M/M. Lemons and possible mpreg in later chapters. There's a better summary inside.


**Hey guys! My name is Maeve his is my first story and I hope you all enjoy it. It's basically a Spirk fic that will slowly build.**

**Basic summary: Takes place at the beginning STID- Jim is fired for saving Spock and revealing the Enterprise in the process. He goes back to Iowa and makes a quaint life for himself, but his days with Starfleet aren't quite over yet as a certain someone comes to him one year later to persuade him to come back. The story starts off with Spock/Uhura but will become Spock/Kirk soon.**

**Warnings: Nothing in this chapter but there will be M/M smut, lemons, and possible mpreg in future chapters. If you don't like that then please keep an eye out for the warnings where it will be mentioned if any of the above happen.**

**Hope you all enjoy the story!**

* * *

James Tiberius Kirk sat on his bed in shock, hands supporting his head. It had finally come- the day when all that he had built up would be taken down so very quickly.

_"You think you're infallible, you think you can't make a mistake!"_

That's not true, not true at all. Jim knew he could make mistakes; he had made so many in his life that not making a mistake was semi-unknown to him. So many regrets, so many failures. Jim held back tears; he had never felt so disappointed in himself.

_"They've taken the Enterprise away from you."_

The Enterprise? Gone? For saving someone he could not think of living without? How could that possibly be justifiable?

_"You don't comply with the rules, you don't take responsibility for anything, and you don't respect the chair."_

That's not true, not true at all. He respected the chair more than he respected anything in this world.

_"You know why? Because you're not ready for it."_

But he had felt ready, for once in his life Jim had not felt the sadness or loneliness that he hid so well from those around him. He had felt on home about the ship, he felt at home with his crew. For once, he had a home. But now it was gone.

_"They want you to take a break from Starfleet for a while. When we feel that you are ready for a commanding position again, we'll come get you"_

But he was ready _now_. He did not need nor did he want a "break". The thought of not being on his starship pained Jim so much that he curled into himself as his body racked with sobs. And on top of all of this, it had been Spock to betray him. Spock, who he had fallen for so quickly and so desperately. Why would Spock ever want someone like Jim? He had insulted Spock's love for his mother, endangered his life on multiple occasions- why would Spock ever want to be involved with a man as reckless and illogical as Jim Kirk when he had someone like Uhura who was beautiful, extremely intelligent, and caring. Thoughts like these riddled the young ex- captain as more unwanted tears fell down his face. He was never more alone than he was now and frankly, he wanted nothing more than to be left alone for a good long while.

A knock came from the door but Jim disregarded it. As previously mentioned, he wanted to be alone. The knock came louder this time.

"Jim open up the damn door before I break it down!"

Bones. One person he could allow in, he supposed. After taking a minute to compose himself (i.e. wash his face, fix hair that had been mussed, and fixing clothing), Jim walked over to the door and opened it, a pseudo copy to his normal smirk set into firm place.

"Bones, what's up? Come to join me in cheerful celebration for being alive?"

"Jim, don't play with me, I know you got fired- the whole crew knows."

"Already? Man, Starfleet works faster than I thought," Jim said with a chuckle. He opened the door wider and gestured for Bones to come in.

"Enough with the act Jim," Bones grit out as he entered and sat down on Jim's couch, "I know you're hurt."

"Me? Hurt? Oh Bones, you're losing your edge in your old age, my friend. I am perfectly alright as you can see."

"That's a lie and we both know it. You're eyes are red- you've been crying."

Damn he thought he had cleaned himself up better.

"And it's not only because you lost your captaincy, is it? It's also because it was Spock that turned you in, am I right? That pointy- eared bastard is so hard headed sometimes, I swear…." McCoy trailed off, shaking his head.

Once again, Jim didn't respond. Leonard was right.

"I don't understand why you are in love with him; he doesn't understand half of what you do and why you do it."

"Bones, enough." Jim whispered, "I don't want to talk about it right now."

Bones opened his mouth to respond but shut it again and simply nodded instead.

"Do you want something to drink or…?"

"No, how about instead, I'll buy us some drinks, eh Jimmy?"

"My, is the doctor going against his own health regulations?"

Bones let of a huff of a laugh, "Shut up Jim, this is a once in a lifetime chance to drink with your doctor and not get yelled at- are you gonna let that opportunity pass up?"

Jim's lips curved into a small smile, "No way Bones, but you're paying for all of the drinks, got it?"

"Alright kid, let's get going."

And with that the two men drove to the nearest bar.

* * *

The club was loud and for once in his life, Jim did not want to be there. He thought that going out to the club would help him but it didn't seem to be doing much more than give him a headache. Thank god Bones was there or else he would have left.

"James Kirk, not up for dancing?! What is happening to this world?" The bartender asked as he passed Jim another straight shot of Jack. Jim downed it all in one go before responding.

"Yeah Andy, no dancing tonight. Drinks are on him by the way," Jim said gesturing to Bones. Said man raised an eyebrow at Jim but nodded anyways, he did promise to pay for the drinks after all.

Bones waited till after the bartender had left before speaking.

"So what's the plan now that Starfleet's over?"

Jim's jaw visibly tightened and his eyebrows furrowed but he answered anyways. There was no point in hiding the truth from his best friend.

"I think I may go back to Iowa," Jim answered sadly. As much as he hated going back to the place that had imprisoned him for most of his life, there wasn't much choice. After all, beggars can't be choosers.

"You're going back to Iowa?!" Another voice from behind the two men came.

Jim and Bones whirled around, they had not been expecting anyone else, but to their surprise, there stood Uhura who was closely being followed by Spock. Jim's eyes widened almost comically and his tongue came out to moisten suddenly dry lips.

"How long have you two been there?" Bones exclaimed in Jim's lack of response. Uhura crossed her arms over her chest before replying.

"We just got here but that's unimportant. What's this about you leaving Kirk? And to Iowa? What good did you get out of being a delinquent there?"

Jim's mouth opened and closed quite similar to that of a fish but no words came out as he stared. He had not been expecting this. Not this, not now. He never thought he would live to see the day when Spock would come to a club.

"I don't see how that concerns you Uhura," Bones stated flatly. Thank god for Bones again. Jim honestly had no idea how he had survived for so long without him.

After composing himself as best as he could Jim decided to speak up for himself, "Bones let it go," he whispered to his friend before turning to Uhura.

"Yeah I'm going to Iowa, my mom's off planet and my step-dad and brother don't live there anymore so I'm gonna have the place all to myself. Besides, someone's got to take care of the livestock, am I right?" He said with a chuckle. Though most of it was true, the livestock part was a lie. After Frank had left the farm, their neighbors took all the livestock and sold as there was no one else to take care of them. Jim would be all alone in Iowa.

"Captain I am sure that you would be able to find a suitable job here while waiting for Starfleet to contact you again," Spock put in, speaking for the first time that night.

Jim grit his teeth, "First of Spock, I'm not you're captain, not anymore. Two, I don't want to go back to Starfleet. If they don't want me now, they won't want me later. And three, I'm perfectly fine with getting a job in Iowa."

"That's very illogical Ca- Kirk. I'm sure that your resume would permit you to get a fine job around here while you wa-"

"I don't need you to tell me what's illogical, Spock. I'd prefer that you didn't butt into my life choices. Now if you'll excuse me," Jim growled out, grabbing his jacket and getting out of his chair, "Thanks for the drinks Bones, I'll talk to you later." And with that Jim started walking out of the club, not looking back once.

"Jim!" He heard Uhura and Bones call out after him, be he ignored it. He didn't want to deal with Uhura anymore and he would call Bones later. He didn't want to see her or Spock's perfect lives for another second.

He turned a corner when all of a sudden a hand grabbed his upper arm.

"Kirk it is impolite to walk out on your friends in attempt to prove some point," Spock's voice came from behind him. Jim felt tears prick up behind his eyes but he made now move to turn and face Spock.

"Leave me alone Spock, you have no right to tell me what's impolite."

Spock seemed to falter for a moment.

"I understand that you are upset with me for telling Pike about your mistake but I do not see the logic in taking it out on those around you. Nor do I see the point in you moving all the way back to Iowa."

Jim yanked his arm out of Spock's grip and whirled around to stare straight at Spock.

"My MISTAKE?! Saving your life was a mistake?! How could you say that? Do you not understand why I saved you?"

"Kirk-"

"Do you understand why I saved you?"

Spock gave no answer and averted his eyes. Jim felt his chest tighten as a few tears managed to slip down his face.

"Of course you don't."

And with that Jim left, leaving Spock staring at his retreating form in what seemed to be shock. Jim felt awful and that was an understatement, he was feeling more than awful he felt utterly ruined and broken at this moment. There was a voice inside of his head jeering at him saying over and over and over again how this is what Jim deserved: nothing; how being isolated and lonely for all time is his fate, his destiny. When he got far enough Jim broke down, it had been almost fifteen years since he cried like this and that was when he realized that his mother was not going to be around because of his presence. Fifteen years of holding back and pretending that he was alright when deep inside this wound had been becoming infected, festering as time went on. Clenching his chest, Jim slid down against a building.

"Why me?" he whispered to himself as he huddled against his own chest, "Why do I have to be the person who loses everything. What have I ever done to make the world hate me so much?"

* * *

"Bartender, two Budweiser classics over here, please!"

"Sure thing, anything else?" Jim asked fixing up the requested drinks.

"Nope that's all."

Jim set the drinks down in front of the customers before turning back to the bar.

"Jim your shift's done!" An elderly man called from the office across from the bar.

"Oh, okay. Do you want me to wait and lock up, Dennis?"

"Nah, it's fine son, you go head on home, I can handle the rest of this."

Jim nodded, took of his apron, placed it in his duffle bag, and went home on his motorbike.

* * *

It had been one year since Starfleet had abandoned him and he had abandoned Starfleet. He had come home to a dusty, run down farmhouse with some of the fixtures inside barely intact. He had spent the next two to three weeks patching up the place. He had left without a word to anyone, even Pike. Bones had offered to help him move but Jim had declined saying that he didn't want to take up too much of the doctor's time. Though he had told no one of where he was going (besides Bones- but he had convinced him not to tell anyone) he was sure that Starfleet knew where he was- he didn't trust Uhura and Spock to keep it a secret. After settling in he started job hunting, as strange as it was. Before Starfleet, Jim had never thought about actually working and once he was in Starfleet, he never thought that he would have to search for a job. But there he was, sitting at his table with a datapad, going through jobs he could get.

Eventually after days of no success he had gone to an old café-made-bar that he had often went to as a child when couldn't stand Frank and/or his mother. The owner there, Dennis, had been so kind to Jim both in the past and now, and gave Jim a job as a bartender no questions asked. Dennis had worked with his wife and son at the café when Jim was young but his son moved away to study at an off-planet university and his wife soon after died because of a rare form of cancer. As the times changed, the café became less popular and so without much of a choice; Dennis changed it all to make a quaint bar-restaurant mix which brought back enough business back to manage. At that time, Jim was in his teens: 16 or 17, and he still went to the bar- mostly to keep Dennis company.

"_You're so much like my son_", Dennis had said on more than one occasion, "_He's always been a free spirit that one and you are too, lad._"

The man was more weathered now, wrinkly but smiling wide even despite his hard life. Jim's assistance in Dennis' bar was much more than just a job. Jim owed the man so much: for feeding him, sheltering him, guiding him- things that Jim owed to Pike as well.

Jim had become domestic over the past year, oddly enough. His house was still not up to par and that included his replicator that had become old and dysfunctional and in a small fit of rage Jim decided to "screw the replicator and start cooking for [himself]" and that is precisely what he did. Now as many do not know, Jim was a fairly well rounded person, being good at many things besides his incomparable aptitude- being home alone with a drunken step-father and a busy older brother did not leave much room for laziness. Though it had been a long time since he had done it, Jim was proud to say that he was a fairly decent cook, and these days he would often invite Dennis for dinner and some drinks when Dennis (or he) was feeling lonely. Things were…. Okay. Though it pained Jim to think of Starfleet or Spock, he stood his ground firmly and refused to let it show.

On the topic of Starfleet and Spock, Jim found in the news that Spock had been made Captain of the Enterprise but he had yet to choose a first officer, thought it seemed that Uhura would be one of his top options. When Jim had seen this, a little part of his heart tore even further than it had since losing his ship. It hurt to see his family thriving in their dreams when he was cast out into a limbo of painful memories. He often wondered if his crew missed him but then he would think otherwise, they're probably a lot safer without me, he thought on more than one occasion. He had promised to keep up with Bones but that was one promise he did not keep. As much as he wanted to call his friend, he neither wanted to bother Bones nor did he want to be reminded of what he had left behind.

Often these days, Jim would cry himself to sleep thinking about his ship, his friend, and Spock. Dennis would sometimes ask Jim what had happened to make him so depressed, so reserved, but Jim would just wave it off and say "It's nothing, Dennis. Don't worry about it, I'm not depressed," with a small and obviously sad smile. Dennis never believed Jim but would let the topic go for that day.

* * *

Jim turned into the garage area of his home and parked his bike. Climbing off, he removed his helmet and gloves, Jim entered his home with a sigh. He turned his lights on and set his bag and bike gear on the counter of his kitchen and went to the fridge to get a beer. Though Jim drank a lot more than he used to, he was no alcoholic. He'd had first-hand account as to what alcohol does to a person when abused and how that can affect those around them. With the beer in hand, Jim slouched into the couch of his living room with another sigh. That is another thing Jim did a lot these days: sigh. He would space out and sigh, thinking that no one noticed, but his frequent customers and Dennis did, though none of them would admit to this knowledge.

A knock on his door snapped Jim out of his musings, and with a raised eyebrow he looked at the clock. It was only 8:45.

"_Why would someone be here at this hour?_" Jim wondered as he got up and went to his door. He opened it slightly and gasped at the sight, then quickly slammed the door in shock.

A moment of silence went by but then the knock came once again. Jim steeled himself and opened the door, his lips parted slightly in shock.

"Hello James."

Jim felt emotion and unexplainable fear hit him like a train, causing him to perspire and tense up.

"Spock."

* * *

**Spock is back!**

**Hope you all liked the story and if you have any questions/concerns/comments please feel free to review. Because I have a huge test coming up soon I may not be able to update next week but I will try my best to update asap. Anyways that's all for today guys, hope you have a wonderful week! :D**

**~Maeve**


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